Rape Culture, Masturbation, and the Christian Sexual Shame Complex

http://www.charismanews.com/opinion/43633-how-women-can-make-church-a-safe-place-for-men


When I read Dannah Gresh's article, "How Women Can Make Church a Safe Place for Men" I was at turns sickened, outraged, and at points just dumbfounded that this same drivel is STILL being forced on women. Let me preface this by saying I support the idea of socially acceptable attire in various social situations. If you're going to church, social contract indicates that you not wear the cutout dress that your wore to the club on Friday night. That's fine. But the Christian idea of modesty extends far, far beyond that. And Mrs. Gresh's article contains some of the most disturbing facets of Christian views regarding sexuality.

Let's start with Mrs. Gresh's first statement, "When we dress provocatively we dishonor God and display a lack of regard for his holiness." Wow, that sounds really judgmental Mrs. Gresh. And isn't there something in the bible about not being a judgmental bitch? (Maybe I'm paraphrasing that.) Second of all, who gets to set the standard about what is provocative? Men? So basically, you're encouraging women to have what we wear be dictated by how men respond to it. That's incredibly medieval. Then there's also the inescapable fact that not all men are the same. Some are going to be driven to "sin" and think "impure thoughts" by even total innocent attire. So what are women supposed to do? The Muslim community has a solution. We could start hiding women under sheets like they're perpetually dressing up like ghosts. Throughout her entire article, Mrs. Ganesh is maddeningly vague about what is good church attire and what is not. She makes quick, again vague, references to "tight shirts" and "short skirts." But at the same time, she is lambasting women for leading men astray with their attire. But can't even be specific about what that attire is.

Then we come to the charming story relayed by Mrs. Gresh and her delightful husband. Apparently a woman visited her husband's church and this woman had big boobs. And the audacity to wear a shirt that showed cleavage. (I'm assuming. Her outfit was never actually described. Shocker.) Well my God, we're all going to hell! First of all, Danna couldn't even bring herself to say breasts. How could someone who's so uncomfortable with human sexuality that she can't even refer to basic anatomical parts by their goddamn name and has to skirt around them by making "witty" allusions to "Victoria's Secret" ever have the chutzpah to set herself up as an authority on Christian sexuality? Next, let's talk about the fact that Mrs. Gresh's husband and other male members of their congregation are so fucking hyper-focused on sex that if they see cleavage they are literally unable to remember a woman's face. To me, that says a lot more about those men than it does about the woman who had nice boobs. Part of me actually pities these guys. Not because they were fake "victimized" by this woman who had the audacity to be proud of the fact that she is visually pleasing, but because they have been actually victimized by a religion that has a given them such a shame complex about sex and female sexuality that they've become entirely focused on it, and everything else has taken a back seat. A heterosexual man with a healthy mindset of sex will notice if a woman has nice breasts. This is pretty much inescapable. But he won't be SO OBSESSED with them that he can't even describe what her goddamn face looks like.

Which brings me to my next point, the Christian Sexual Shame Complex. This is so prevalent in Christian cultural and it's incredibly damaging. It's mostly focused on men (because women aren't sexually aware, right?) and has some scary consequences. Basically it's common Christian dogma to teach that sex before marriage is a sin. That's a whole different topic that I could also write an article or two on. But where this gets even more extreme and where the actual damage occurs is that it's not just sex that considered "sin" but even sexual thoughts and masturbation. So basically if you're post puberty and sexually aware, you're sinning.
The solution? Prayer and turning your thoughts to other things. So, basically, repress it. Pretty much any psychologist can tell you about the harmful effects of repressing natural human responses. Whether that's grief, fear, anger, regret, etc. And none of them are good. Especially when it comes to sex. It can lead to obsessive behaviors, compulsions, addictions, fetishes, and all sorts of bizarre stuff because you are taking something completely natural and making it taboo. The craziest part is that Christians are AWARE of this! Mrs. Gresh mentions it herself in her article! "More than 60 percent [of Christian men] are estimated to struggle with continual sexual compulsions of some type." No shit Sherlock! Since adolescence they've been told this nature urge they have to procreate or mastubate is a sin. And that by even THINKING about sex or masturbating, they're sinning. But instead of changing their teachings and admitting that masturbation is a totally normal and natural thing, the church continues trying to make it taboo. Which any marketing person can tell you is pretty much the fastest way to ensure everyone will want to try it. But then people who try it (pretty much everyone) feel guilty and attach these feelings of guilt and shame to their sexuality and their sex life. And that's when compulsions and other negative behaviors come up. Anyone else see the vicious cycle here? The fact that it's male focused is another outdated idea about human sexuality that Christianity is desperately clinging to. But again, that's a whole different article.

Regarding the section where Mrs. Gresh talks about her husband "confessing" about the feelings he had, I'm flabbergasted. She says she was able to "erase the shame" the woman's immodesty had caused her husband. WHAT?! I have no words. Actually, yes I do. Your marriage is fucked up, Mrs. Gresh. If your husband feels so guilty about simply noticing another woman's boobs that he feels shame, actual SHAME about it, and feels "restless" all through an entire church service, he needs help. And you're encouraging it. You're putting such significance on mere thoughts that you and your husband are literally losing sleep over them. You said yourself that you two stayed up until 2am talking about it. Sounds like a horrible waste of time to me. And it turns super minor things, like your man noticing another woman's boobs (a natural thing that hetero men are programmed to do) into a huge issue that you have to stay up and "discuss." Incredible. I feel sorry for both you and your husband. You're spending so much time focusing on instinctive reactions that he has no control over when you could be focusing on something far more important--each other.

Dannah continues on about how her husband has said many men feel "tempted" at church by women who are dressed inappropriately. What?! I've been to a lot of churches. I have yet to see a single woman dressed in anything I would consider immodest. Again, I think these men have been oversexualized (ironically) by a cultural that is so obsessed with (not having) sex. For many of them, it doesn't matter what a woman is covering up or showing off. People have sexual thoughts. It happens. Get over it. What really matters, what actually counts are your actions, not your thoughts. Actions are what have consequences. And I'm well aware of the slippery slope argument of "thoughts become actions" and I'm calling bullshit. People don't always put into action the things they think. And making that assumption, and creating a fake complex around an issue as complicated and sensitive as sexuality because of that assumption is more than just damaging. It's wrong.

Mrs. Gresh's article continues on for more painful pages. I could write a book on all the disturbing material in it. But by far the most disturbing is this: In America we have a rape culture. It's one that promotes this damaging idea about rape and rape victims: "Well, it is sad she got raped. But I mean, look at what she was wearing. It's terrible what happened, but not exactly surprising." Often one of the first questions asked about a rape or assault female victim is what she was wearing. It's why many victims of sexual assault and rape don't ever come forward. Mrs. Gresh's opinion that women are responsible for the sexual reactions of men based on how they dress is exactly the thought pool that this insidious mentality draws from. You are responsible for no one's sexuality but your own. Period. And the idea that women need to "protect" men from their sexuality is equally repugnant. I would encourage Danna Gresh and her husband to really do some research outside of their neat little Christian bubble regarding sexuality before they go out doling more damaging advice and opinions.