5 Reasons Why Anaconda III was a Truly Terrible Movie

Normally I don't go for scary movies. I hate being scared. But I also have a fascination with snakes, particularly large constrictors. (Insert immature joke here.) I am terrified of them, but I also think they're some of the coolest animals on the planet. So when I found Anaconda 3: The Offspring on Youtube, I started watching it on what you might call a lark. It was a made for TV movie, but it was even worse than I was expecting, and my expectations were pretty low.

1. Worst. CGI. EVER.
And frankly, there's no excuse. It was made in 2008, so the technology was available to create the special effects they needed and create them convincingly. If you don't have the budget to do that, don't make the damn movie. It was almost laughable in some scenes that would have actually been scary had the graphics not looked like a videogame from the early 2000's. It looked like their budget was about a hundred bucks, plus 40 hot pockets for the guy who did the graphics in his basement somewhere.

2. Seriously stupid characters.
Okay, the basic premise of the film is that a research facility is housing these giant anacondas and feeding them some kind of serum from something called a blood orchid to artificially prolong their lives. The ultimate goal is to transfer the serum into medicine that humans can metabolize and save some billionaire's ugly ass from cancer. He's already shelled out a ton of money for the facility, but apparently they spent it on strippers and booze because the little cage they're supposedly keeping a 60 damn foot anaconda in miniscule. So that already tells you how smart management is. The supposed serpentologist or whatever is your typical perky-breasted blonde who is also a moron. She knows exactly how dangerous the snakes are, knows the facility is inadaquate, and what does she do? SHE STAYS. Because you know, someone's got to take care of the snakes. No, I'm not joking. That's pretty much her words. Honey, they're 60 foot anacondas, and as they prove quite graphically about fifteen minutes into the film, taking care of themselves is not a problem. The billionaire is also an idiot, it's basically his fault the entire movie happens, because he shines a bright light into the snakes cage, after being told not to do that. And after the snake slams itself into the cage and starts breaking the fucking glass, what does he do? Starts yelling at the scientists (who have managed the snake ever since they bred it without an incident) when they try to gas the snake to sedate it so it doesn't, you know, escape and kill dozens of people.

3. Completely unbelievable plot lines.
Okay, let's say that you're keeping a couple of giant anacondas in little glass cages in a test facility and you've hopped them up on drugs and basically turned them into super snakes. Who is stupid enough not to re-inforce the cages? Really, who? And for that matter, why isn't there a way to seal off the room the tank is in, should it somehow escape from the tank? The reptile house at your city zoo probably has a way to seal off the snake room, and the most dangerous serpent they most likely have is a corn snake. It is completely unbelievable that they would not have a back up plan for containing a snake that was supposedly so big and so dangerous.
The “crack team” they recruit to capture/kill the snakes are a laughable bunch. They're dressed the part, but that's pretty much where the train stops. First of all, one of them is scared of snakes. What?! You have not one, but TWO giant anacondas loose, and you call the team that includes someone who's scared of snakes? Not that any sane person wouldn't be scared of a 60 foot snake, but really? And then there's the weapons. From what I saw, the only equipment they brought along to hunt these suckers down were some automatic weapons. Which, when you're up against a snake that large, is like bringing a cap gun to Gunfight at the OK Corral. The snakes are going to take about as much notice of those bullets as they would a mosquito bite. Why not elephant or rhino guns? Hell, a sawed off shotgun would be better than the little machine guns they're carrying. For a group of supposed experts, they're woefully unprepared.
And then there's the tracking devices. Again, this was made in 2008. Not that long ago. But the tracking devices they're using that are supposedly so high tech can only detect the snakes somewhere in a 100 yard radius? Bullshit. Google maps could show you a flea on a cat from freaking space in 2008. There's no way their tracking device couldn't get more specific than 100 yards. Also, they're walking around in the woods like the snakes are so hard to find. And when they come upon that snake skin with the tracker on it, they all stand around like “oh no how will we find them now?” They're 60 fucking foot anacondas! Those suckers are going to leave trails so big a four year old could find them. We're talking drag marks and slither lines the size of California here. The fact that neither they nor the serpentologist think of that and are looking around in the woods for them like they're lost garter snakes makes me have absolutely no sympathy for any of the characters. They're all morons and at this point, I'm rooting for the snakes.

4. Gaping/Unexplained Plot Holes
No one ever explains how they fed the snakes in captivity. Or how they got those nifty little tracker thingies on them. Or how they administered the serum they were experimenting with to a tempermental anaconda with a behavior problem. Then there's also the fact that about 45 minutes into the movie the hot serpentologist also miraculously becomes a doctor of medicine, trying to save some guy who got stabbed by a sharp anaconda tail (which, incidentally, anacondas do not have, but I'll get to the problems with the snakes in a minute.) Apparently the screenwriters forgot to mention that the girl with the doctorate in snakes also got a doctorate in bio medicine. And she's still so young, too. Boy she must be smart. She must have just flown through the ten or so years that it takes to get a doctorate in medicine. Or possibly the screenwriters just wanted to be able to save a character but realized they would need a doctor to pull that off and thought, “Hell, she's a doctor. And doctors know them some medicine even if their doctorate is in snakes, not humans. Yeah, that'll work.”

5. The Snakes are Completely Wrong
I'm not talking about the fact that they exist. Let's play pretend for a minute here and just say that they did. The problem is that the movie portrays them completely, ridiculously unrealistically. The writers must not have even bothered looking at a wikipedia page on large snakes.
When the first snake escapes, it goes in the ductwork. How does no one hear it slithering around in there like some kind of oversized Bond villian? Also, when the snake is slithering across the barn roof, it's silent as death. Sorry, no. They would have heard that motherfucker coming from miles away. If the snakes are moving, you're going to hear them. It's just that simple. They're way too big and heavy not to be heard.
Then there's the fact that what would have to be close to 800 pound snakes leave no trails. There's no way. But I mentioned that earlier, so I won't beat a dead horse.
Later in the movie, when the snake swallows a guy alive, he goes feet first. That's all wrong. Anyone who's watched even one documentary on large snakes knows they almost always swallow their prey headfirst. Then there's also the fact that anacondas have teeth. Lots and lots of teeth. So the guy would have either bled out or gotten a fang to the kidney long before the snake got to his head. Either way, the guy should have been dead long before the snake was through swallowing him.
After eating an especially large meal, snakes usually just lay there for awhile to digest. After eating an entire human, that snake would have been comatose for a week. Doesn't matter how big or hopped up on drugs it was. That's snake biology. So the fact that it just casually eats joe shmoe and then slithers off into the forest like it ain't no thang is just blatantly unrealistic, even for a sci fi movie.
And while we're talking about eating habits, why does one of the snakes keep eating just the heads of people? It's predator, with a predator's instinct. It's not going to eat only the boniest part of the body and then leave without taking the rest. I mean, I guess it gives the special effects guys a reason to have an awesome decapitation scene thrown in there, but really? And for that matter, the scene where one of the snakes barfed up the goat? There's no way. You know why? Anacondas have teeth that curve backwards, towards their throat to help facilitate swallowing. Which means once it starts swallowing something, that is a one way ticket. It would be physically impossible for an anaconda to regurgitate anything. There's a video on Youtube of an animal control officer whose hand gets bitten by a constrictor they're trying to remove from a residential area. The other guys have to pry the snake's jaws open in order for him to remove his hand, and he actually had to push his hand deeper into the snake's mouth just to disengage the teeth. So that gives you an idea of how impossible bulemia is for a constrictor.
Finally, anacondas do not have tails with fucking swords on them. Yeah, I get that the snake was genetically modified, blah blah blah. But the sword tail thingie was just way over the top. What, a giant ass snake with the crushing power 4 times that of a normal anaconda with giant teeth hopped up on snake steriods just wasn't scary enough already?

Well, no, actually it wasn't. But only because the special effects were so damn bad.